Friday, June 9, 2017

Life after Loss

A thought dump...
Recently, a close family member experienced a mini-stroke (or as best we can tell).  I couldn't believe how similar the symptoms were to grief and to baby brain.  That it was the first time he experienced a lapse in memory that strong.  I believe I've had that several times, but my brain is so fuzzy feeling I honestly couldn't tell you how many times.

I loss my daughter.  I then was a parent again to a child who is exceptionally curious.  The type you cannot take your eyes off of.  They type that make you believe if you aren't "on-it", you could loose another child.  Then I got pregnant again.  Then again.  I feel foggy.

I can't differentiate what of that brain fuzziness comes from age/experience, what comes from hormones, what comes from lack of good sleep, what comes from grief, and I find it disturbing.  I'm still waiting for something to feel normal or familiar.  I am three years out from the death of my oldest and a new normal is here, but it is so foggy and dreamy like.  I want it to be crisp.  Is that an option?  Will I get that?

I participated in a focus group with five other mothers who had lost their children to cancer last night. Powerful stuff.  The group alluded to this lack of good memory, but you could tell from the discussion that there was no lack of passion.

I have never felt stronger or more passionate about what is "right" and "wrong" in the world and I have never felt more limited in my ability to do something about it.  I am raising so many children.  Time and energy and headspace feel so limited.  I pray that I am putting that limited fuzzy brain to good use and that it honors my dear oldest.  That this time I am spending flopping around from to-do list to to-do list is actually getting something done.  That it all isn't in vain.  That I can stay grounded.  That I can differentiate between what is bullshit and what is real.  That I can find some patience in the fact that life moves slow and everything is changing all the time and things don't need to be perfect right now.  But is the path perfect?  Am I on the path? A path?

Limited brain capacity even for reflection.  Back to the to do list. :)

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