Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I liked this "To The Grieving Momma" Post.

So much anger and sadness lately.  I have no idea what happened, but there is a rage inside that I can't even begin to touch on without fear of killing someone.  I started with a therapist two weeks ago to try and sort through some of this.  She said the first thing to do is to acknowledge what I am missing.  All that I am missing.  I thought that typing that out may be helpful.  The post above alluded to a lot of it.

I miss my daughter's curly hair and warm smile.  I miss her imagination.  I miss taking care of an older child.  I miss the feeling of proudness I received whenever out with her anywhere.  She made me feel like I was doing something right.  I miss the evening when she would be a goofball in our bed while her father read her stories.  I miss the mornings when she would open her door and come into our bed again and lay with us while we began to start the day.  I miss the cohesiveness of a healthy happy extended family, who isn't also burdened with such a significant loss.  I miss my friends that I had when I had a girl their child's age.  I miss the casualness that used to exist between me and everyone when everybody wasn't walking on eggshells.  I miss her singing.  I miss that I will never get the opportunity to get her involved in music (which I think she would have been amazing at).  I miss that she won't get to move with us and get excited about her new bedroom.  I miss taking her to the water, art fair, family gatherings, everywhere.  I miss her helping out with her little brother... he is so wild and we could use that third parent right about now.  I miss that I won't get to see her exceed expectations in school... she was such a little smarty pants.  I miss her humor.  I miss breaking down and having my husband respond as though it was serious.  Now the break downs happen so frequently sometimes he just has to watch because there is nothing to do to fix it or change it.  I miss feeling in control of my life.  I miss my brain being fully functional.  I miss having drive to make a difference and do great things.  I miss my short term memory.  I miss feeling capable of anything and being that energetic, ready for anything mom that I once was.  I miss teaching her things.  I miss holding her and giving her piggy back rides and reinacting the movie Brave.  I miss taking care of her.  I miss going on walks with her.  I miss taking her on bike rides to Barry's bagels.  I miss being in shape (the depression is making it very hard to get out and do that).  I miss the movement of the world.  In so many ways, I feel like it has stopped for me and now I spite that the earth keeps spinning.  I miss the future reactions from her I could have had when I have more babies.  I miss her and her friends growing up together.  I miss her being on the swim team.  I miss her giving me my first grand children.  I miss going on vacations with her and teaching her new things.  So much of her future was taken away.  I miss the Gloria Isla dynamic.  It felt pretty solid to me.

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