Saturday, January 3, 2015

2014 - A crazy ass year

So I would be lying if part of me did not admit to being happy to see 2014 go.  I don't like to take on the next year as some challenge to beat.  Especially as an oldest, I tend to push myself plenty enough.  So I like to use the new year as an excuse to reflect back on what happened in the past year and in what ways Kev and I have grown.

This year was awful, deep, and wonderful all at the same time.

- My beautiful first born daughter Isla passed away.  This is the first close death I have experienced.  It lead to many other firsts, like first memorial service I have planned, or first body I have cleaned, or first cremation I have experienced.

- My beautiful son was born healthy (as best we can tell).  He was birthed in a tub which was a first.  I learned that being a mother to a son can be wonderful in its own right and that I could love another child.  Unfortunately, his arrival does not replace Isla, but rather makes me miss her more.  He reminds me of her and I believe she would have been an incredible big sister.

- I didn't work all summer, which is a first.  Last year I didn't work either but I was caring for Isla.  This year I did nothing, but read, cry, work out, sleep, and craft.  I anticipated it being a wonderful healing time, but it was really a time of nothingness - I remember the spitefulness of a gorgeous day because Isla wasn't there to go outside and play in it.  Maybe I should note my first major experience with depression? You really learn what is important in life.

- I completed my first 1/2 marathon.  Pregnant never-the-less.  At the time it did not seem like that big of a deal.  The running was strangely comforting during Isla's hospice time.  But I just recently saw a photo of myself from a year ago.  I was in better shape than I have ever been in and physically I remember feeling like an athlete.  It was a wonderful feeling although I feel it is not sustainable under usual circumstances if you are raising young children.

- For several months, I met with my grandmother weekly to craft.  I think we both thoroughly enjoyed the time together.  She just loves visiting and crafting.  She spoiled me rotten with home cooking during that time.  And pregnant ladies (and nursing ladies) LOVE eating.  My grandmother is so full of life and young at heart.  It has occurred to me just recently that she won't be here forever.  I value my time with her.

- Lots of sister news this year.  A sister grabbed one of her dream jobs, a sister got cheated on and struggled with depression, a sister whooped ass on her certification test, a sister got married, another sister damn near experienced divorce.  While these aren't things that happened to me.  I feel very close with my sisters and these experiences definitely impacted my life this year.

- My first time to Savannah, GA, Phoenix, AZ, and San Diego, CA.  All beautiful places.

- I felt really good this year about helping a couple of people.  I crafted many children's aprons for Isla's old preschool and they sold enough to get the preschool a new wooden children's play kitchen.  Another woman I know lost her son.  I made five pillows out of his old shirts for all his sisters. I was able to be there for a close friend the very day that her son died.  That felt good.

- This is the first year in my life that I have confidently and comfortably said "no" to most things.  Time with people can be very taxing and this is new for me.  I used to be more extroverted.

- I left a corporate science job to be serving part-time in a non profit as an event coordinator.  We will see where that leads.

- This seems small to most, but this year was the first time in my life that I have cleaned the kitchen on a daily basis for five days in a row.  I am realizing how stressed out I get with dirty and packed spaces.  Cleaning really really helps.

- Lots of going with the flow, lots of seeing where everything is going to take me, recognizing my lack of control in my life for the first time.  Very very unnerving.  I have so much to learn.

Sometimes it just feels good to type or write this stuff out.  My goal this year is to see what happens and accept it.  Be open minded and get in a bit of shape again.  I think that will happen anyway though, because being rolly and not fitting into clothes sucks.  On that note, peace out.


Melissa said...

Thanks for this post! You inspire me.

Gloria said...

Liss - I love that you still read this blog. I don't share it much, but rather just use it to vent sometimes. Fun that someone still sees it. Happy New Year

Jay Tatara said...

haven't checked in a while..glad to see the blog has popped back up.

hope you are well G

Gloria said...

Thanks J. Hope you are well too.