My little girl would have turned five years old tomorrow. She won't. She passed away this year after a heroic battle with cancer. She didn't want to go. I didn't want her to go. And yet go she did.
Her dad and I are still reeling from her death. At first I experienced an immense sense of relief. Her suffering needed to end. Then, quickly, the grief stole the little peace I had. My pregnancy stole the little physical comfort I had. The depression mixed with excitement for the new baby coming was overwhelming. I still feel that way even though he has arrived. Deep gratitude and love. Overwhelming anger and sadness. Longing for what can't be. A family of four where there is now only three.
I hear we are handling it all pretty well. We get out of bed. We even go to work. We take care of our newborn's needs. But I also cry and get angry at little things that are of no consequence. That is all part of it so I hear. I also hear it will get better. Honestly, as a know-it-all oldest, I am impressing myself with my ability to believe others who have been there before. I hope they don't let me down. I need to know it gets better than this.
I want so badly to be with her. This life is hard here without her here. It is as though I had no life before she was here. What did I do with myself? Because now without her, most things feel meaningless. She brought me immense joy.
I just want to know she is okay and that she knows I love her. That I would take her place a thousand times over if I could. That I am so sorry something so horrible happened to her. That she deserved more than this life could offer her this time. That she was a tremendously special little girl. That while specifics are slowly drifting away in my broken memory, I am never forgetting how she made me feel, how she lit up a room, how she giggled, how she stared so intently at things she was trying to learn, how she always wanted everyone to be happy, how she made introverts feel loved, how happy she would be when she danced, how she commanded her little world and all of us lucky enough to be apart of it.
I miss you Isla. This month has been the hardest by far. I want you here little girl. I have to stay here right now and take care of Gideon. He needs me. But I can't wait to be with you again. I have said it before and I will say it again, you made my life so wonderful. I love you in a way I can't even express. F the english language for not have the right words. Please be at peace my sweetheart and know that we are celebrating your birthday tomorrow. I think of you always. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you