Today marks the one year mark without my first born baby here with me, although sometimes I believe she is here in spirit. I tend to forget dates of significant things a lot, but this March 27 date haunts me a bit. Lots of tears this week. My anger mostly stems from her suffering. I selfishly miss her of course, I love how I felt being her mother and caring for her... but I hate what she had to endure. And I hate that because she died, she (and we) can't "make up" for the bad times with lots more good times. I have been so busy with a new job and a new baby that I haven't always been putting my feelings about this to the forefront.
I forced the issue as I watched video after video of her, from newborn to age four, from aunts, grandparents, parents... she is beaming. She is so beautiful and so beaming that everyone in the room with her... everyone... seems also to be beautiful and beaming. She brought that joy to others in a significant way. Of course I miss her, but I am also so grateful that her little life was placed in the hands of Kevin and I. I am so happy that we got to be her parents and know her so well. She has changed me forever and I can't wait to see her again and tell her thank you.
How wonderful is this video!?!